Monolog; Ramadan MCO

Ramadan yang berbeza. Tak pernah terlintas sebelum ini akan ada satu masa yang kita tak dapat bertarawikh di masjid secara berjemaah, berbulatan tadarus di surau atau masjid berdekatan apatah lagi membeli juadah berbuka di bazar Ramadan. Antara perkara yang begitu sinonim dengan suasana Ramadan di Malaysia. Tahun ini beza; luar dalam dalam, yang tersirat mahupun yang tersurat.

Kelainan bulan Ramadan tahun ini dirasai seluruh dunia. Covid-19 ternyata mengubah corak kehidupan masyarakat di bulan ibadah, bagi Muslim khususnya. Dengan kuarantin dan perintah kawalan pergerakan dan kewaspadaan pada zarah viral yang tak telus pancaindera, kita belajar untuk menjalani bulan Ramadan dengan cara yang berbeza.

Dunia sedang berehat. Memberi peluang sang penghuni memanfaat bulan penuh barakah dengan ibadah bersendiri. Kurangnya masa bukan lagi alasan. Kesibukan dunia bukan lagi sebab melengahkan. Waktu ini, mungkin kita sedar, masa itu; jika disusun atur dengan cermat, betapa kita punya masa untuk segala sesuatu. Teringat satu kata-kata, kita sebenarnya mungkin bukan sibuk, cuma kita tidak meletakkan sesuatu sebagai prioriti. Dan prioriti kita pada bulan Ramadan tahun ini, pastilah beribadah, bukan?

Nah, Ramadan tahun ini mengajar kita banyak perkara. Emosi, rohani, fizikal, mental. Semua bahagian kendiri teruji.

Kita kuat untuk lalui semua ini, okay?
 

Ramadan @ MCO

Ramadan @ Movement Control Order due to Covid-19

This year's Ramadan is different. Every part of the world is struggling with the Covid-19 pandemic and it is clearly affected individual in different aspects of their life. This year, on the year 2020, maybe the first time in history of my life, there is no tarawikh prayer that is conducted at the mosque. Everyone has to stay in their home to help Covid-19 from spreading widely. The effort has shown a good improvement that the cases of covid-19 in Malaysia do not increase so fast. Despite the cases is still increasing, but the overall cases is still under control. Thanks to Ministry of Health Malaysia for doing a very good job in making sure that Malaysia is not one of the countries that contribute to the large number of death.

This is also the time of the year that I will finally end my undergraduate degree. A mixed feeling I would say. I did not expect too much. Current people around me will see me as someone that have good achievement, with the awards that I received and my performance, I would rather be seem as a someone excellent. But deep inside, I still feel unaccomplished. I still feel heartbroken that I am not as excellent as friends of my age. I still feel that I am way too backward from them when they already achieved something in the next phase of their life, but in fact, I am still stuck here, looking forward for my future.

It is a mixed feeling. Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes, I just feel nothing. It is more towards the negative emotion. The struggle within me, is hard to express. I know what everything that happen for a reason, but at some point of my life, my mind cannot stop from thinking that I am not good enough. I am a burden and I do not worth anything.

This is how MCO affected me, affected my emotion when I start overthink over the future. The country's economy will be affected at least in the upcoming years and me, when I want to start my career life, I have to consider a lot of thing.

Have faith. Bumi Allah itu luas, kan Amalina. Don't be afraid too much. Have faith. May He guides you to the right path. Don't compare yourselves with other people.

It is even hard for me to accept myself that I don't even give any chance for people to know or accept me. And that summarize,, why I am still single. Lol