Car

Growing up whom my father can repair the car himself, I take for granted about the car I drive every day. The basic stuff like changing the black oil (I am not sure if it really called black oil in English LOL), top the water, inflating the tire, go the workshop or change the water break (is that really a term) are things I took for granted because my father has settled it for me. Well, it is not that I am not try to be independent, but when it is the time for the car service, my father had took his charge without even I realize (justifying myself here XD)

However, it changed when my father is not around for umrah and I have no one to refer to when it come about the car stuff. I realize that the side bumper has loosened and it is kind of waiting for the time to take off. I don’t know if I have ever bumped into something but what I did remember is that I have once make it loosened when I accidentally made a wrong estimation to park 8 years ago after I got my license. And since that, it may be a bit loosened and after 8 years, it cannot hold anymore. Well, some conspiracy theory when people ask me, “Did you bumped into something? How does it happen?”

The first solution I should have known is go the workshop and even my friends and siblings told me to just go, they may be able to reattach it. And that is how the conflict begins. All people experience a first time of everything. Going to the school, attend the university, talking to people etc. As for me, this is the first I need to go the workshop by myself. Alone. I don’t know how to describe the feeling but it just that the uncomfortable feeling being in a place full of men and you are like the woman who doesn’t know anything, asking to repair your car and even you are not sure the name of the part that drop off.

I know that there are workshops nearby in my house. I started the engine, drove there and look around. Along the way, I think a lot of things, the possibility, the scripts what should I explain the mechanics. When I slowed down at one of the workshop, I feel that people were staring at me. As if I went into the wrong shop and I seemed to be lost.

I decided not to stop. I continue to drive to look for another workshop with less people so that I can explain what happen to my car without bothering a lot of people staring at me. But yeah. All the thoughts keep lingering In mind that I actually don’t go to any of the workshop and just drive back to my home.

I don’t regret not going because I am really too shy to ask. But I just worry what will happen the next day because I will be driving the car to PICC and can the side bumper stay for a long time?

To be continued…

Keluar

Jujur aku tak tahu apa semangat apa yang menyeru aku kembali untuk bangkit. Jujur aku rasakan macam baru bangkit dari tidur yang lena. Sedar-sedar aku sudah berada dalam ruang dimensi yang segar dan memberi inspirasi.

Jujur aku katakan yang masa-masa terkebelakang dah terubat sedikit dengan semangat yang baru. Semangat yang menghidupkan 'aku' yang baru. Semangat yang buat aku rasa, jalan ini cukup indah disusun untuk aku. Melukis renyah-resah kehidupan dalam lakaran yang paling cantik dan terindah.

Pada usia ini, tipulah aku kata kalau tak pelik aku tidak disibukkan dengan hal kerjaya dan keluarga. Apatah lagi pada usia ini aku sepatutnya mengikut jangkamasa manusia norma yang direncana untuknya perjalanan yang lurus.

Sungguhlah!

Sebenarnya, sungguh aku tak rasa bazir dalam waktu yang diberi untukku. Mula-mula tu adalah. Heh siapa kata aku pasrah dan akur. Jiwa rebel ni tetap ada lah. Tapi lama-lama, bila membesar dalam kematangan, jigsaw puzzle kehidupan aku tercantum-cantum menjadi corak pemandangan yang cukup indah.

Aku tak tahu apa lagi yang bakal ter-rencana pada masa depan. Yang aku tahu sekarang, aku sudah keluar dari kegelapan gua yang mencengkam yang menyembunyikan diri aku dari terkena sinaran cahaya yang memberi pengharapan.

Jiwa rebel aku dah kembali. Ah, sumpah! Aku tak boleh duduk diam!

Tampal

Orang kata kau perlu jadi lebih tegas.

Ada orang lain kata kau perlu jadi santai dan chill.

Ada orang kata kau perlu jadi demokratik.

Ada juga orang yang nak kau jadi biasa-biasa.

Banyak jugak orang yang nak kau sabar je.

Ada jugak yang kata ah-kau-ada-kuasa-kan.

Semua kau dah buat.

Kau pulak-

Kau rasa dia nak apa?

Patutnya kena bertempat lah kot kan --

Bila dah betul tempat,

Kau pulak rasa bersalah

Calar hati manusia, jangan der.

Calar hati kau, takpe

Ubatnya kau sendiri ada.

Hati orang, kau ingat senang-senang nak tampal dengan selotep?

Sabar

Kadang kita cuma bersangka-sangka, berasa-rasa ---

bila sesuatu tak mencapai apa yang kita inginkan

Tapi kita lupa ---

Manusia itu, fitrahnya perlu saling memahami

Adakah kau --

Sudah faham semuanya?

Adakah kau --

Sudah faham mereka?

Sampai satu tahap,

Sompeknya kau terlihat pada orang,

Tapi ada kau rasa sompeknya itu ada banyak pada kau?

------

Kau dulu tak pernah macam ni, Amalina.

Paling-paling kau tak puas hati, jarang kau cuba buat luka dan calar di hati manusia.

Sakit kau kejap takpe. Sakit orang janganlah kau buat lagi membarah.

Apa yang Dia dah tarik?

Ada kau cek? Ada kau diagnos sakit tu dari mana?

Kau sendiri tahu jawapannya, Amalina.

Ternyata bukan kau sakit sebab manusia.

Tapi kau sakit sebab kau sendiri tak dapat memupuk sabar.

Sabar.

Align

One thing I realized from writing a research paper is you need to be very careful in your writing especially in claiming some sentence that may seem to be like a fact. For example you have known about an idea or statement but you have to support it with research or something related. And what more frustrating is that a lot of people say about that but you have to search for the original person that first come out with the viewpoint. As for me, some statement is like a common sense where people know it from life experiences etc but it just that they don’t write in a proper documentation of research and reviewed by a lot of people. 

But to reflect on this, I would say that for whatever knowledge we have been insightful of, we cannot simply claim as it is ours. The fact that it is not posted on paper, online, books, doesn’t have to be your reason to not come out with your own idea. The idea of credited something to the original person is good but the fact that it may limit your kind of thinking may hinder some aspect of critical thinking as you only have to refer to someone’s else.

It brings me to realize that the genuine owner of the knowledge is none other but Allah. His knowledge in the Quran should be providing us with the main source of knowledge before anything else. Whatever knowledge that we receive, is not solely from us, but from Him, the Most Intelligent. May He guide me to write more reflecting on His ayat. Day by day. Tadabbur every single words He had sent for our guidance.

I really want to break from the virtual world that connecting me from people. I want to take a break from commitment for a while, to find my own inner peace. Let me rest for a while. It is very tiring to be honest to deal with myself when I am encountering people with different point of view. 

_____

I remember back then when all the purpose of doing something is because of Allah, all things are smoothen. It may not necessarily smooth but the satisfaction is beyond what you are thinking of. You have the same aim, you have the same niat, to please Allah. To achieve Allah’s redha. In whatever you are doing. 

And after that, let Allah settle the rest. The peacefulness is beyond your imagination. Even if you are having some internal conflict within the community, but each of you understand each other. And the hatred is not prolong.

I should have start with tarbiyah again. Instill Allah’s redha beyond anything else.  

Unreal

We met for a reason. It has been almost 4 years I found my new world in which no one know about my past. I create new surrounding, new circle of friends, talking to people from all walks of life regardless their age and background. Everyone went there for some untold stories that only they know and each of them has the reason why they are still there.

The world is a brand new world that if you know how to properly make friends, you will bump into non-judgmental people who never judge your past or ask too much about your past. Maybe a bit but after you feel comfortable to talk about it.

That is the place where I met people that can listen to my rant, even though we have never met in person. Not just listen to mine but also listen to their story of life. You will expect nothing from only through chat conversation, you see the world in a different perspective.

Well, maybe it is just me that still trap in those world. I still couldn't find the real world that I can believe. For the time being, I am happy to stay there, writing and chatting about the stuff I never heard of and learn from people's life.

It may be nightmare to some part of my life, but as long as I have not meet something that I am proud of in this real world, I will stay there. Making new circle of friends where everyone has their own canvas of life to paint on.

Wujud

Hah. Wujud lagi sang pencari ini

The journey is longer than what I thought. Heh. Just enjoy it. Cherish it while it last.

No. I may not be hiding anymore but I won't even care if no one search for me. I am the one who create my world to be like this. To be as alien as it is.

Really. I get confused of myself. Searching for the smallest thing that I will enjoy.

Oh wait, one thing for sure, my stream of thoughts are no longer in Malay. I don't know whether it is a good or the other way round but I just miss my random thoughts in Malay. I try. I tried. But it may sound so awkward at the end.

Sungguh lah aku rindu pada gelodak jiwa yang berbahasa puitis. Bukan sepuitis mana pun. Cukuplah untuk menyentuh jiwa dengan gaya bahasa yang santai. Ah. Lihat! Apa entah aku merepek.

Matlamat

“What do you think you want to achieve now?” Soalan random keluar. Waktu tu aku dah pusing stereng ke kanan selepas dah pastikan memang takde kereta di hadapan.

“I think, I am more like fulfilling my needs first. Well, you know like the Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs. Yada2. I think I am in the phase of the fulfilling my emotion, basic needs, psychological etc,” teman bual yang duduk sebelah kerusi driver melontarkan pandangan diri.

Kereta dan masuk ke kawasan UPSI. Membelok ke kiri sebab tu jalan sehala.

“Well, I also think that I am still in the phase of adolescent based on Psychosocial phase. The adolescent part. Role identity and confusion. I am still thinking about my identity and I don’t know whether I am confused either. But yeah, as for me, I am still wondering about myself.” Panjang lebar kawan yang sebelah ni menerangkan apa matlamat yang di fikir sekarang untuk diri dia. Aku sekadar mengangguk. Memberi ruang kepada kawan yang kat sebelah ni.

“Well, how about yours?” Kali ni dia pulak memberi soalan yang sama. Waktu tu jarak perjalanan masih berbaki dalam 2 3 minit sebelum sampai ke tempat yang dituju.

“Me? Well, as for me, I think I am in the phase of…,” waktu tu aku berhenti kejap. Cuba menyusun ayat yang dirangka dalam kepala. Idea tu dah ada. Cuma nak luahkan dalam bentuk perkataan tu rasa payah sangat.

"I think I am in the phase of hmm thinking about contributing something to the younger generation like making them to be empowered by knowledge etc. Maybe about to build a better nation kot. Entah. Sometimes I feel that I am too ambitious about this." Aku menarik nafas kejap. Cuba nak susun ayat yang selepasnya.

Kawan yang kat sebelah angguk-angguk. "I think if want to refer the Erik Erikson theory, maybe you are in the phase of adult already like very high from mine. The generativity and stagnation. Eh, that so high already," kawan yang kat sebelah tu memberi komen.

Waktu tu aku tak tahu nak tergelak ke nak bangga tapi betul jugak apa yang kawan aku cakap. Aku dah macam tak fikir sangat pasal stage Erikson's Young Adult tu. Intimacy and Isolation.

Aku sambung," Hmm. Maybe la. At certain part. Maybe last time sometimes the  thought of marriage and having someone as partner has come to my mind. But I am also surprised that currently I am not thinking about relationship or whatsoever. It is not that I don't want to get married or whatnot but it just that my focus now is more on other thing and if that (marriage issue) appear, then maybe I know the time has come (for me to get married). For the time being, I am focusing more on my career future etc." Panjang pulak bebelan aku.

"Hmm yeah maybe you have achieve the higher stage young adult but for me I am still thinking about fulfilling my basic needs." Kereta waktu tu dah nak berhenti kat simpang.

"Eh, I drop you here lah eh." Aku berhentikan kereta kat simpang sebelum pintu keluar. Nasib la tak banyak kereta. Memang ikut suka hati je lah nak berhenti kat tepi ni. Heh.

"Ya, sure sure. Here should be fine." Kawan aku yang mengajak teman makan kat Secret Recipe dah keluar menapak dari kereta nak ke bus stop. Nak tunggu bas ke Bahtera dan kejap lagi nak kemas-kemas balik ke rumah dia.

_______

That insightful thoughts really enlighten my day. Still, I am blessed to meet a few friends that can talk about deep stuff like this. At least at their age.

Calar

Suicidal thoughts is not a joke.
Perasaan worthless dan useless is not a joke.

Waktu minda dan jiwa terbungkam hitam
tak semua menghulur tangan
atau mereka juga mungkin penat dengan--
ajakan tak diendah

Sang diri juga buntu jalan
Bangkit yang dibuat-buat
hanya cerminan kekuatan yang ternampakkan

Sumpah bukan mereka yang salah
seribu rasa tak mahu menyusahkan
hanya diri yang tak hargai di saat mereka ada
mereka juga punya jalan kan?
kau juga punya jalan kan.

kita cuma kenangan yang tersurat

kau dah bangun balik ni pun dah cukup besar
walau sisa-sisa sakit tu masih mencalar
cuma sekarang---
aku buat apa yang aku suka.

bahagia dan ketenangan itu insha Allah menjelma

Kembali

Mulanya aku ingat betul-betul aku nak lari dari kisah silam aku. Aku nak lari dari ruang blog ini yang banyak aku membesar cerita tentang diri. Aku nak padam segala kenangan yang buat aku teringat masa lampau yang aku rasa sangat perit dan sakit untuk diingatkan. Tapi aku silap. Sampai bila aku nak biar segala kekusutan membelenggu diri aku.

Aku mungkin la dapat lari daripada persekitaran dahuu tapi aku tak dapat lari pengalaman yang mengajar aku erti kehidupan. Bila dibaca kembali tulisan-tulisan dahulu, sungguh aku rindu. Biarlah tulisan ini menjadi pedoman untuk aku. Nah, siapa lagi yang akan membaca tulisan di blog? Memang bukan untuk orang lain tapi untuk aku. Jika suatu hari diselongkar kisah aku, inilah kisah aku. Jika satu hari aku mengecap kejayaan, aku akan ingat segala pengalaman yang mengajar aku membesar.

Mungkin dah sampai masa untuk aku luahkan yang terkebelakang. Mungkin dah masanya aku terima ujian yang tidak semua dapat rasainya. Mungkin dah masanya aku muntahkan titik-titik perjalanan aku. Menjadi satu jurnal digital yang tak mungkin terbayar dengan masa.

Insha Allah aku akan menulis kembali di sini. Yang perit, yang pedih, yang semua orang belum tahu. Sebab baru tadi aku blogwalking terjumpa satu blog yang usianya sudah 10 tahun dan aku lihat tulisan terkini 2017 walaupun jumlah tulisan semakin berkurang. Entah macam mana, atau siapa, membaca kembali blognya, mungkin dia sekarang seorang pensyarah atau insan berkeluarga yang sudah berjaya. Tapi saat membaca nukilan-nukilan awal, sungguh, memang cantik apa yang telah Allah rancang.

2018. Dua tahun setelah itu. Aku kembali.