Ketua

Sebagai seorang pemipin wanita, aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk bersifat cool dan tidak bersikap meroyan dan emosional sekiranya berhadapan dengan situasi yang tercabar.

Ye lah, macam tak pernah dengar suara-suara sekiranya bos anda seorang perempuan,

"Biasalah lah tu, emo, tak kahwin lagi."
"Dah kahwin ke dia? Belum. Biasalah tu. Anak dara tua memang macam tu."
"Perempuan kan, adalah tu masa-masa dia tengah emo."

Bukan apa, ada kala bila reflek balik, mungkin salah aku juga ada perkara terlepas pandang. Semua orang ada fasa berbeza. Nak letak ekspetasi tinggi-tinggi pun, bukan boleh. Orang nak belajar pun dah kira bersyukur la tu. Mungkin sebenarnya kau dulu pun pernah macam tu. Tapi ketua kau sabar. Tak ke?

Akhirnya, aku tarik napas, tenang-tenang, delegate kerja balik kepada orang sepatutnya. Semua orang ada fasa belajar masing-masing. Nak membebel lebih pun, nanti aku jugak yang sakit hati sebab tak memaafkan dan tak reda. Huwaa.

Tapi aku harap sangat dik, bila tanggungjawab tu dah diberi, tolonglah kasi settle sampai habis.

Aku ni, sungguh tak boleh hidup tenang kalau ada urusan tertangguh. Tapi tu lah, orang lain boleh kot bertenang. Semua orang lain, Amalina! Ingat tu.

*Nangis bucu dinding T_T

Writing

Sometimes, I am thinking of writing a blog that can benefit other people. Writing about my passion in mental health or arts, talking about my thoughts and journey. But when it come to writing about some academic stuff, I am afraid, I am afraid that I could deliver a wrong information. I believe in the importance of having the right resource and information before writing somethings.

At this point, apart from believe in what I have learnt and write it down in writing, I hope to have someone that can check my writing, a proofreader that can comment my writing before I publish it somewhere. Especially the one that involve knowledge and information.

Just before this, I am thinking of writing a blog. Instead of thinking, just do it! I think about so many things including what kind of writing should I start with.

I always have the thought to become someone else qualified before writing some academic stuff. First, because I care about the ethical issue, second, I believe on giving the right information so that people can benefit out of it.

Rewritten #2

Aku rasa tahun 2019 ni tahun yang sesuai untuk aku menulis dan membaca semula. Dah banyak yang aku lalui, dah banyak perasaan yang aku rasa, dah banyak kerenah yang aku hadapi tapi sebenarnya semua tu manis bagi aku. Mengajar aku satu perjalanan panjang yang aku takkan dapat pada dimensi yang lain. 

Tapi dalam banyak perkara ni, aku masih terasa masa berlalu begitu lambat. Menunggu-nunggu di saat aku akhirnya bergraduasi ijazah sarjana pada usia sebegini, aku kira, Dia sudah aturkan aku hidup yang begini sebab Dia menyediakan aku dengan sesuatu yang lebih besar pada masa hadapan. Bukan semua orang lalui apa yang aku rasa. Bukan semua orang dapat tafsir riak muka yang selalu ketawa tapi dalam jiwa penuh dengan perlawanan perasaan yang bergelodak.

Satu-satu jalan kehidupan aku lalui dan aku kutip-kutip batu pengalaman yang terjumpakan. Dengan harapan, batu-batu ini nanti yang akan menolong aku melangkah ke ruang perjalanan yang lebih berliku nanti.

Cuma, tak dinafikan, terkadang rasa terkilan dan sedih itu ada. Di saat kawan-kawan seusiaku sudah punya kerjaya dan keluarga, aku masih di sini mencari-cari makna diri dalam meneruskan kehidupan. Belajar bidang Psikologi sebenarnya adalah satu ilham Allah yang aku rasa sangattt aku bersyukur. Di saat aku rasa tak punya arah ke mana aku harus teruskan pembelajaran, Dia datangkan ilham untuk mengambil bidang Psikologi yang mana aku rasa secara langsung dan tidak langsung banyak mengajar aku untuk bangkit semula.

Bukan sekali dua dalam kelas aku rasa sebak dan memujuk diri. Terutama kelas yang bermain dengan emosi, Aku rasa aku dah punya jawapan sendiri. Dan aku yakin, Dia letakkan aku di sini sebab Dia tahu aku mampu hadapi semua ini.

Dan memang betul. Tempoh masa 4 tahun banyak mengajar aku tentang diri.

Rewritten #1

Living in a world of different dimension is really difficult for me. It is like you are in an adult body but stuck in a teenager's timeline. There is a lot of thing you see in a different perspective because you have been living in many surroundings, yet you have to bear with the current surrounding that don't allow too much your skills to be expanded. It is like you want to contribute so much for others, but you have to go back to see what resources you have now.

So, it started with being the leader of the society in my current university. To be honest, I am not the kind of pupil who likes to be the leader in an organization. I am more a preserved person rather than being extrovert in front of people. When people see me nowadays, they might think that I am a prefect during my school. In elementary school, yes but not in high school. I am not bold enough in front of my teacher's eyes to become a leader to others.

But it is all change during my Form 4, when my chemistry teacher was in the process of screening students to become the participant of innovation contest which is annually held for SBP level. I was glad that I was among the four students that was chosen to take part in the innovation competition. While the rest of the students chosen were prefects, I am the only non-prefect student to be chosen. I would say that I was proud enough. Also, I am just being me in my Biology class, doing the homework carefully and being proactive in the class. However, I don't even know what I am doing so good in Biology class that my teacher always mentioned my name as an example student. And to my surprise, it just not stop there, my name was mentioned to other junior as well as someone being excellent and well-behaved (hewhew) in class.

From that point I realize that, sometimes, I don't get what I want. (I really want to become the prefect because they always get the privilege - I want to proudly wear the suit - so childish hehe) but I just have to be patience. There will be someone or some people that will see the other side of me. And from that, nothing is more genuine that having people remembered your deeds more than what you said.

I think I need to write in Malay pulak. Lol what a closing.

2019; Self-Reflect

Actually it has been a long time since I have not write anything. I stop writing before because I feel so empty and very unmotivated to even write about something. I realize in myself that the condition of my current situation affect a lot in directing what kind of writing I should write. The current emotion is very important to me to express in a subtle way in writing.

I still remember those times when I feel annoyed towards myself of other people, I expressed it through writing that only me can interpret and understood. Other people will view it as something normal that I observe about my surrounding but only me understand what the story behind it.

Sigh.

I miss reading. I miss writing. I miss indulge in my own world without feeling disturbed by things that happen around me. I think I should write again. And this time, not just to let people read, but most importantly to reflect on myself, how far has I gone and how good I had stood up, after a long episode of falling down.

2019; I am actually eager to reach 2020.

It is a looooong journey that I have been through and I am glad that I still survive.

Car

Growing up whom my father can repair the car himself, I take for granted about the car I drive every day. The basic stuff like changing the black oil (I am not sure if it really called black oil in English LOL), top the water, inflating the tire, go the workshop or change the water break (is that really a term) are things I took for granted because my father has settled it for me. Well, it is not that I am not try to be independent, but when it is the time for the car service, my father had took his charge without even I realize (justifying myself here XD)

However, it changed when my father is not around for umrah and I have no one to refer to when it come about the car stuff. I realize that the side bumper has loosened and it is kind of waiting for the time to take off. I don’t know if I have ever bumped into something but what I did remember is that I have once make it loosened when I accidentally made a wrong estimation to park 8 years ago after I got my license. And since that, it may be a bit loosened and after 8 years, it cannot hold anymore. Well, some conspiracy theory when people ask me, “Did you bumped into something? How does it happen?”

The first solution I should have known is go the workshop and even my friends and siblings told me to just go, they may be able to reattach it. And that is how the conflict begins. All people experience a first time of everything. Going to the school, attend the university, talking to people etc. As for me, this is the first I need to go the workshop by myself. Alone. I don’t know how to describe the feeling but it just that the uncomfortable feeling being in a place full of men and you are like the woman who doesn’t know anything, asking to repair your car and even you are not sure the name of the part that drop off.

I know that there are workshops nearby in my house. I started the engine, drove there and look around. Along the way, I think a lot of things, the possibility, the scripts what should I explain the mechanics. When I slowed down at one of the workshop, I feel that people were staring at me. As if I went into the wrong shop and I seemed to be lost.

I decided not to stop. I continue to drive to look for another workshop with less people so that I can explain what happen to my car without bothering a lot of people staring at me. But yeah. All the thoughts keep lingering In mind that I actually don’t go to any of the workshop and just drive back to my home.

I don’t regret not going because I am really too shy to ask. But I just worry what will happen the next day because I will be driving the car to PICC and can the side bumper stay for a long time?

To be continued…

Keluar

Jujur aku tak tahu apa semangat apa yang menyeru aku kembali untuk bangkit. Jujur aku rasakan macam baru bangkit dari tidur yang lena. Sedar-sedar aku sudah berada dalam ruang dimensi yang segar dan memberi inspirasi.

Jujur aku katakan yang masa-masa terkebelakang dah terubat sedikit dengan semangat yang baru. Semangat yang menghidupkan 'aku' yang baru. Semangat yang buat aku rasa, jalan ini cukup indah disusun untuk aku. Melukis renyah-resah kehidupan dalam lakaran yang paling cantik dan terindah.

Pada usia ini, tipulah aku kata kalau tak pelik aku tidak disibukkan dengan hal kerjaya dan keluarga. Apatah lagi pada usia ini aku sepatutnya mengikut jangkamasa manusia norma yang direncana untuknya perjalanan yang lurus.

Sungguhlah!

Sebenarnya, sungguh aku tak rasa bazir dalam waktu yang diberi untukku. Mula-mula tu adalah. Heh siapa kata aku pasrah dan akur. Jiwa rebel ni tetap ada lah. Tapi lama-lama, bila membesar dalam kematangan, jigsaw puzzle kehidupan aku tercantum-cantum menjadi corak pemandangan yang cukup indah.

Aku tak tahu apa lagi yang bakal ter-rencana pada masa depan. Yang aku tahu sekarang, aku sudah keluar dari kegelapan gua yang mencengkam yang menyembunyikan diri aku dari terkena sinaran cahaya yang memberi pengharapan.

Jiwa rebel aku dah kembali. Ah, sumpah! Aku tak boleh duduk diam!

Tampal

Orang kata kau perlu jadi lebih tegas.

Ada orang lain kata kau perlu jadi santai dan chill.

Ada orang kata kau perlu jadi demokratik.

Ada juga orang yang nak kau jadi biasa-biasa.

Banyak jugak orang yang nak kau sabar je.

Ada jugak yang kata ah-kau-ada-kuasa-kan.

Semua kau dah buat.

Kau pulak-

Kau rasa dia nak apa?

Patutnya kena bertempat lah kot kan --

Bila dah betul tempat,

Kau pulak rasa bersalah

Calar hati manusia, jangan der.

Calar hati kau, takpe

Ubatnya kau sendiri ada.

Hati orang, kau ingat senang-senang nak tampal dengan selotep?

Sabar

Kadang kita cuma bersangka-sangka, berasa-rasa ---

bila sesuatu tak mencapai apa yang kita inginkan

Tapi kita lupa ---

Manusia itu, fitrahnya perlu saling memahami

Adakah kau --

Sudah faham semuanya?

Adakah kau --

Sudah faham mereka?

Sampai satu tahap,

Sompeknya kau terlihat pada orang,

Tapi ada kau rasa sompeknya itu ada banyak pada kau?

------

Kau dulu tak pernah macam ni, Amalina.

Paling-paling kau tak puas hati, jarang kau cuba buat luka dan calar di hati manusia.

Sakit kau kejap takpe. Sakit orang janganlah kau buat lagi membarah.

Apa yang Dia dah tarik?

Ada kau cek? Ada kau diagnos sakit tu dari mana?

Kau sendiri tahu jawapannya, Amalina.

Ternyata bukan kau sakit sebab manusia.

Tapi kau sakit sebab kau sendiri tak dapat memupuk sabar.

Sabar.

Align

One thing I realized from writing a research paper is you need to be very careful in your writing especially in claiming some sentence that may seem to be like a fact. For example you have known about an idea or statement but you have to support it with research or something related. And what more frustrating is that a lot of people say about that but you have to search for the original person that first come out with the viewpoint. As for me, some statement is like a common sense where people know it from life experiences etc but it just that they don’t write in a proper documentation of research and reviewed by a lot of people. 

But to reflect on this, I would say that for whatever knowledge we have been insightful of, we cannot simply claim as it is ours. The fact that it is not posted on paper, online, books, doesn’t have to be your reason to not come out with your own idea. The idea of credited something to the original person is good but the fact that it may limit your kind of thinking may hinder some aspect of critical thinking as you only have to refer to someone’s else.

It brings me to realize that the genuine owner of the knowledge is none other but Allah. His knowledge in the Quran should be providing us with the main source of knowledge before anything else. Whatever knowledge that we receive, is not solely from us, but from Him, the Most Intelligent. May He guide me to write more reflecting on His ayat. Day by day. Tadabbur every single words He had sent for our guidance.

I really want to break from the virtual world that connecting me from people. I want to take a break from commitment for a while, to find my own inner peace. Let me rest for a while. It is very tiring to be honest to deal with myself when I am encountering people with different point of view. 

_____

I remember back then when all the purpose of doing something is because of Allah, all things are smoothen. It may not necessarily smooth but the satisfaction is beyond what you are thinking of. You have the same aim, you have the same niat, to please Allah. To achieve Allah’s redha. In whatever you are doing. 

And after that, let Allah settle the rest. The peacefulness is beyond your imagination. Even if you are having some internal conflict within the community, but each of you understand each other. And the hatred is not prolong.

I should have start with tarbiyah again. Instill Allah’s redha beyond anything else.  

Unreal

We met for a reason. It has been almost 4 years I found my new world in which no one know about my past. I create new surrounding, new circle of friends, talking to people from all walks of life regardless their age and background. Everyone went there for some untold stories that only they know and each of them has the reason why they are still there.

The world is a brand new world that if you know how to properly make friends, you will bump into non-judgmental people who never judge your past or ask too much about your past. Maybe a bit but after you feel comfortable to talk about it.

That is the place where I met people that can listen to my rant, even though we have never met in person. Not just listen to mine but also listen to their story of life. You will expect nothing from only through chat conversation, you see the world in a different perspective.

Well, maybe it is just me that still trap in those world. I still couldn't find the real world that I can believe. For the time being, I am happy to stay there, writing and chatting about the stuff I never heard of and learn from people's life.

It may be nightmare to some part of my life, but as long as I have not meet something that I am proud of in this real world, I will stay there. Making new circle of friends where everyone has their own canvas of life to paint on.